XOXO

Looking back over what I’ve (mostly privately) written about XOXO I’m surprised to find a clear arc. The ethos of the festival has both tracked with and helped guide my return freelancing. Now that the final XOXO is over I want to gather my thoughts on my three times attending and how they've helped me over the years.

In 2018, at my first XOXO, I had a strong sense of not belonging. At the time it was the biggest version of festival and I felt like I’d been lucky to have somehow snuck into the party with the cool kids. I had a full time job and didn’t really make much online. Attending was aspirational. I’m not even sure I wrote an #intro post that year. The whole thing was overwhelming, in a good way.

In retrospect I found it a deeply moving experience. In full compliance with the XOXO Dream™️ it was one of the catalyzing moments for returning to the freelance world. XOXO also helped show me that I wasn’t alone, everyone, speakers included, felt imposter syndrome to some degree. The festival was really the first time I'd met other very online folks in person.

I left my full time job in June of 2019 and promptly went back to Portland for my second XOXO. There's an optimism throughout the whole event that's impossible not to get swept up in¹, I'd missed the energy from the previous trip. That year I wrote an #intro, and had a few projects I'd begun working on for both clients and myself.

spongebob meme: five years later

During the intervening years I started many new projects, most of which I'm still working on. I wrote several applications, created pen plotter art, modeled in CAD for 3D printing, designed PCBs for electronics projects, and more. A lot of these projects were connected to my "real" profession as a digital tech, but others (read: the plotter art) were just for the sake of trying something new.

In short, I felt I was ready for XOXO this year. The community on Slack was a sounding board and support group, especially during the pandemic. The idea of returning to Portland, one more time, felt like going home².

This year I think I was, for the first time, able to put most of my imposter syndrome aside. I was reunited with friends from previous years, and not just ‘met’ new people but I think made even more friends; people I’m going to follow and advocate for online as much as I can. It was nice to be around all of the folks from the internet again.

The other thing, and this is the self-serving part of the post, is that people recognized me from the internet. It’s one of the things I’d written about from my first XOXO, that everyone seemed to be a notable person online. I don’t have ‘an audience’ but to be recognized for your work is always flattering, and for me was a little bewildering.

I think the reason is that I've become much more willing to share my projects, and it’s because I was nurtured by one of the most supportive communities around that I had the confidence to publish my projects and to be proud of them. To have the support to find my niche and voice online. XOXO, in a sense, found me when I needed it.

Something I've taken away this year, especially after watching so many of the Art & Code talks is wanting to make more things that aren't necessarily practical. I'd like to work on projects that explore a concept, teach me something new, or are just fun. I'm not sure what those projects might be, but I'm looking forward to finding out.